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Maveriq™

Joke Time!

56 posts in this topic

LIE DETECTOR ROBOTBumili ang isang milyonaryo ng lie detector robot.Sinasampal ng robot ang mga taong sinungaling.Iniuwi ng milyonaryo ang robot.Sa hapunan ng pamilya, katabi ng milyonaryo ang robot.Tinanong ng milyonaryo ang anak na lalaki, "Junior, nasaan ka kanina during school hours?""Sa school," sagot ng anak.Sinampal agad ng robot si Junior."Ok, nagsinungaling ako, nasa internet station ako. Nanood ako ng cartoons," sabi ng anak.Sinampal muli ng robot si Junior."Ok. Porno pinanood ko.Sabi ng milyonaryo, "Noong kaedad mo ako, hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang porno . . . "Sinampal ng robot ang milyonaryo.Humirit si misis, "Hon, patawarin mo na si Junior. After all, he's your son."Sinampal ng robot si misis....

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Dennis works hard on a factory, 7 days a week, his only hobby is a bowling game every tuesday and a boys night out a local billiard club every Friday.  Her wife noticed it, so as an appreciation during his birthday, her wife brought him to a stripclub in Cubao.

 

The bouncer at the club greeted them when they enter: "Uy boss Dennis, kumusta??".  His wife looks at him and quizzically asked if he's been in this club before.  Of course, he said no.  "Kasamahan ko sa Bowling yun honey."

 

When they entered, the waiter says "Sir Dennis, the usual ba? San Mig Light at Mani?"  Again her wife gave him the looks and Dennis explained "Ahhh, yun ang waiter sa bilyaran na nilalaruan namin tuwing Biyernes, di ko akalain dito rin pala sya nagwo-work".

 

Then the star dancer of the night sits in his lap and told him "Hey, Dennis darling.....VIP ba tayo after nito?"

 

At that instance his wife hurriedly went out of the club and rode inside the taxi.  He followed her inside the taxi, and he was about to explain that it might be he was mistaken by the star dancer by somebody, else, but his wife is kept on shouting and shouting at the top of her lungs.

 

Then the taxi driver told them "Walastick Dennis, nagwawala napick up mo ngayon ah...san ba sa dating motel pa rin?"

Miggy, Drake, repapips9 and 7 others like this

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ANG BALONEY

 

4ZAip01l.jpg

 

 

Dennis and Michael wanted to go out for a drink, but they only got 50 pesos left.

 

Dennis: Ako bahala akina yang 50 pesos ibibili ko ng baloney.

Michael: SIra ka ba? Yan na lang nga ang pera natin, ibibili mo pa ng baloney.

Dennis: Sumunod ka na lang.

 

Dennis bought one baloney and they went inside a bar and ordered 2 bottles of San Mig Light.

 

Michael: ano pambabayad natin?

Dennis: Basta uminom ka lang.

 

They drank and drank until they get drunk.  When they are about to pay the bill, Dennis put out the baloney.

 

Dennis: Ilalagay ko yung baloney sa zipper ko tapos isubo mo.

Michael: Sigurado ka sa plano mo ha.

Dennis:  Oo sumunod ka lang.

 

The bartender saw them, got furious and kicked them out of the bar :D

 

Their plan worked and did it in the next 8 bars, drinking and bar-hopping and they enjoyed the free drink.

On the 9th bar, Michael was already drunk and sored.

 

Michael: Pare, di ko na kaya.  Masakit na ang panga ko.  Tama na.

Dennis: Ikaw pa nagreklamo, ako masakit na manoy ko, sa pangatlong bar pa lang nawala na yung baloney.

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THE SPRATLY's

 

Muli na namang nagkaharap ang China at Philippines, and this time it's in the disputed Spratly's Island.

 

PINAS:  To China ship, please divert your course 15 deg North to avoid a collision.  You are entering Philippines territory.

 

hBvuGPPm.jpg

 

 

TSINA: No, Philippines, you divert your course 15 degrees South.  This is China territory.

 

ODpCIS2m.jpg

 

PINAS: Negative, you will have to divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision.

 

TSINA (Antapang!!):  This is the Captain of this Chinese ship, I say again divert your course.

 

PINAS (Boses parang inaantok pa) : Negative, I say again you divert your course.

 

TSINA (galit na): THIS IS AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER, AND THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE CRUISERS, FIVE DESTROYERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I SAY YOU DIVERT YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES SOUTH NOW, OTHERWISE COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

PINAS: We are a lighthouse,  your call.

Drake, Boneo, JJ2017 and 1 other like this

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THE TESTICLES EXAMS

 

kcQgUjCl.png

 

A man is lying in hospital bed with his oxygen masks on.  A young nurse appears to give him his medications.

 

"Nurse", he mumbles behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, they young nurse told him "I don't know, I'm just here to give your medication"

 

Struggling, the man says "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Finally, she pulls up his medical gown, holds his p#nis in one hand and his testicles in another hand, took a close look and says "Nope, there's nothing wrong in them".

 

Smiling, the man removed his oxygen masks and says "What you did was very nice, but are my test results back?"

darktooth, Drake, repapips9 and 3 others like this

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ANG OPISINA

 

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Young Executive si Dennis.  He sets up his marketing firm in one of a new building in Ortigas.  While arranging his newly established office, a man enters the room.  Thinking it might be a potential client, Dennis acted "professional", picked up the phone, and appears like closing a good business deal

 

"....Ok sir, noted.  Don't worry, in 2 weeks time, you will get our business proposal and we'll make sure you will double your sales in two months.  Salamat sir sa pagtitiwala, ok..thank you sir."..then he hung up.

 

Addressing the man who entered his office "Sensya na sir, may kausap lang kanina sa phone, kliyente.  How can I help you sir"

 

The man said "Taga PLDT ho ako, ikakabit ko sana yung linya nyo ng telepono ngayon".

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Ang Genie

 

lonely_genie_by_yapi-d2zxxy6.jpg

 

Nakapulot ng lamp si Dennis.  At syempre, kinuskos nya, lumabas ang isang genie.

 

Genie: "I'm the genie of this lamp.  You only have one wish, so it should better be good"

Dennis: "Why one? Why not three?"

Genie: "Three is folklore and myth.  I'm a one-wish genie.  So either take it or leave it."

 

Dennis:  "Ok, here it goes.  See this map (showing the middle east map).  I want you to bring peace and prosperity for this region".

Genie: "My God, that area has been fighting for thousand of years.  Nobody can restore peace to that one.  I'm good, but not that GOOD!.  I've been in this lamp for thousand of years and i'm rusty.  Try something else.

 

Nagisip mabuti si Dennis, bago sinabi

 

Dennis: "Ok, gusto ko ng asawa na sexy, mabait, mapagkakatiwalaan, hindi bungangera, hindi nagseselos, pumayapag na umagahin ako, pinagsisilbihan ako at magaling magluto at magaling sa kama..."

 

Panandaliang natahimik ang genie....nagisip....

 

Genie: "Let me see that f@cking map again!".

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Construction Worker Sign Language

 

construction-worker-cartoon-3.jpg?w=239

 

The construction worker on the third floor needed a hacksaw.

 

He saw another worker on the first floor and yelled at him that he needs a hacksaw.  He can't be heard due to loud noises in the construction yard, so he starts a sign language.

He pointed to his left eye "I", points to his knees "need" and motions back and forth with his hand "hacksaw".

 

The man on the first floor nodded, pulled down his pants and started jacking off.

 

The man on the third floor got angry, run down three floors, and yelled at him "What the hell is wrong with you??!! I said I needed a hacksaw".

The other guy says "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you "I'm coming"".

Maveriq™, repapips9, RTZ and 4 others like this

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Sick Call

 

Dennis is not feeling under the weather and calls sick for the day

tO8Um7rm.jpg

 

Dennis: "Boss Mike my body is aching, i'm nursing a fever and have a terrible head ache"

Boss Mike: "Dennis, when i feel that way, i usually goes home, and ask my wife to give me an awesome sex, and after that i feel well.  try it and tell me afterwards if you could come in the afternoon"

 

After 2 hours Dennis sent an SMS to his boss

 

t8ndu3rm.jpg

 

Dennis: "boss Mike, i did what u said. i'm feeling ok now.  by the way, you have a nice house!"

Maveriq™ and dhiesenphi like this

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The Hippie and the Nun

 

e8wfQUDm.png

 

A hippie hops into a bus and sees a nun.  He says to the nun "Will you have s#x with me?".  The nun politely declines and hops off immediately at the next stop.

 

The bus driver immediately told the hippie "I know how you can get her to make love with you.  That nun always prays at the cemetery every Sunday.  You can demand you are God and ask her to have s#x with you".

 

The hippie took the advice of the bus driver and thinks it's a good idea.  One Sunday evening, he went to the cemetery, hid over a tombstone, waited, then saw the nun praying and said in a deep voice

"I'm God, I demand you to have s#x with me".

 

The nun hesitated but agreed only on one condition, that they have an@l s#x because she didn't want to lose her virginity.

The hippie agreed and they got on with things.  After the deed was over, the hippie jumped off and screamed "I'M THE HIPPIE, I'M THE HIPPIE HAHAHA!"

The nun also laughed and said "I'M THE BUS DRIVER, I'M THE BUS DRIVER".

Maveriq™ likes this

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ANG APAT NA URI NG PALAUTOT

 

 

1. Mapagkunwari - Uutot ng tahimik at mag aastang inosente.

2. Mahiyain - Uutot ng Mahina at ngingiti.

3. Mayabang - Uutot ng malakas at tatawa ng malakas habang nagyayabang.

4Malas - Susubukang umutot pero TAE ang lalabas !

 

 

 

 

:) :) :)

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Sneezing Orgasm:

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

dhiesenphi, Helfayv and Miggy like this

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May tatlong magkakaibigan na namatay habang bisleras ng pasko. Si Pedro, si Juan at si Tomas.

Bago sila makapasok ng langit, nakita sila ni San Pedro, at sabi sa kanila: Tutal magpapasko na, magpakita kayo ng bagay na nagsisimbulo ng pasko at makakapasok na kayo ng langit!

Si Pedro, naglabas ng lighter, sabi nya: Kandila po ito.

San Pedro: okay..pasok!

Si Juan, nakakapa ng sisi sa bulsa, nilabas nya at pinatunog, sabay sabi: Tung kampana po.

San Pedro: ayos..sige pasok!

Si Tomas, wala masyadong dala, kaya ang nailabas nya, panty ng jowa nya.

San Pedro: bakit panloob ng babae ang pinapakita mo saken?

Tomas: Kay Carol po ito.

San Pedro: Pasok!

dhiesenphi and She like this

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ISANG ARAW : may tatlong lalake ang nasa sa jeep. yung driver, isang guro, at si TOTOY

nawalan ng kontrol ang sinasakyan nila kaya nahulog sila sa bangin.

nung nagkamalay ang tatlo, nakatayo na si san pedro at si satanas sa gilid sa harap nila

SATANAS: dahil napupuno na ang langit,

napagkasunduan namin ni san pedro na limitahan nalang ang papasok dito.

kung sino man sa inyo ang makapagtatanong na hindi ko masagutan

ng tama, yun ang karapat-dapat makapasok sa langit. kung masagot ko,

derecho kayo sa impiyerno. sinong gustong mauna?

DRIVER: ako!! ako muna!!

SATANAS: ano ang tanong mo??

DRIVER: anong araw ako unang nag-kaGf?

SATANAS: (nag-isip ng konti) august 2, 1991 boom... nagliyab at biglang nawala !

driver. sumunod ang guro

GURO: ako naman (nag bigay ng isang napakahabang problem sa math)

nasagutan din ito ng tama ni satanas kaya

napunta na rin siya sa impyerno...

SATANAS: ikaw naman TOTOY

TOTOY: hmm... sige kumuha ka ng upuan

at butasan mo ng 7 butas

SATANAS: aba inutusan pa ako... pero sige dahil naiintriga ako sa pinapagawa mo

kumuha si satanas ng upuan at nilagyan ng 7 butas. umupo si totoy at umutot sa upuan...

TOTOY: ang tanong ko sayo... saang butas ako umutot?

SATANAS: (pinagpawisan) hmmm... sa ikaanim na butas?

TOTOY: mali... sa butas ng pwet ko tanga !

SAN PEDRO: welcome to heaven totoy. .

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ANG UNANONG HOLDAPER

 

A man is standing in the urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him.  Although the little fellow is staring at his "thing" intently, the guy doesn'treally become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small ladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates up close.

 

So_33b3fa_1247276.jpg

 

"Wow" comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls i have ever seen!".  Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

 

"Listen, I know this is a rather strage request, but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them?" Asks the midget.

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.

 

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls and says loudly "HAND ME YOUR WALLET OR I JUMP OFF THE LADDER".

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1.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

2.
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
 
3
Three religious leaders (a rabbi, a priest, and a minister) were all discussing how they divide up tithing income between themselves and God. The minister said, "I draw a line in the sand, throw the money up in the air, and what lands on the left side of the line goes to the good Lord and what lands on the right side goes to me." Then the priest said, "I draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and what lands inside the circle goes to the good Lord and what lands outside goes to me." Then the rabbi said, "You got it all wrong! I throw the money up in the air and what the good Lord catches is his and what lands on the ground is mine."

 

 4
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."
 

 

5
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

Edited by Miggy
Merged. Consolidated successive posts
repapips9 and dhiesenphi like this

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Sorry its a racist joke 
peace! :D 


If a group of white people falling down a mountain its called a "avalanche" 
What would you call it if it was a group of black people ? 

A "Mudslide" 

 

 

 

i didnt make it i just heard it from a friend 

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