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Nakaamoy si ngongo ng pabango sa isang store..

ngongo: Ale mango..
saleslady: pabango yan hnde alimango..
ngongo: inulit niya ang sinabi sa saleslady .. ale mango!
nag agawan si ngongo at saleslady sa pabango.. 
nahulog ang pabango at nabasag...

ngongo: Ale masag...
saleslady: haayy

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Dennis works hard on a factory, 7 days a week, his only hobby is a bowling game every tuesday and a boys night out a local billiard club every Friday.  Her wife noticed it, so as an appreciation durin

ANG BALONEY       Dennis and Michael wanted to go out for a drink, but they only got 50 pesos left.   Dennis: Ako bahala akina yang 50 pesos ibibili ko ng baloney. Michael: SIra ka ba? Yan na

Juan : tay, may gusto akong babae. Ang ganda niya. Gusto kong makipag date 
tatay : sino?

Juan : si nena, yung babae sa tapat natin

tatay : naku anak, wag mong sabihin sa nanay mo ha, kapatid mo yun si nena

nagalit ang bata, lumipas ang ilang linggo

juan : tay, inlab ako. Mas masarap siya

tatay : sino?

Juan : jan sa kabilang bahay, si ana

tatay : naku anak, kawawa ka naman. Anak ko din yun si ana eh

nangyari ng ilang beses. Lumapit ang bata kay nanay na umiiyak

juan : nay, galit ako kay tatay. Nagmahal ako ng limang beses pero di ko sila pwedeng i-date kase anak din sila ni tatay

nanay : pwede mo silang i-date, wag kang maniwala sa kanya, di mo siya tatay.

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BANAT NI LOLA...

Lata ni Lola:

Lola: Ineng palimos naman..

Girl: Lola bakit po dalawa lata niyo?

Lola: Ineng, as a business woman we shud tink on more ways on how to develop our business. That’s why instead of associating the money I got for my daily expenditures, I invested it by putting up another branch.

==============================================

GIRL(Nangungulangot sa jeep)

LOLA: Anong kinukuha mo iha?

GIRL: Nursing po

LOLA: Ah, akala ko kulangot.

===============

Sa ospital, mag-isang nagfill-up si lola ng medical record

Lola: magtanong nga kita iha, ano ba ilalagay 'dine sa status?

Nurse: uhm, may asawa po ba kayo lola?

Lola: meron.

Nurse: married na lang lagay mo 'la.

Lola: di naman kami kasal eh, flirt flirt lang yun...

Nurse: Hmmm, sige lagay niyo na lang po single.

Lola: pero nag-secret marriage kami dati sa munisipyo

Nurse: ahmmm... sige po lagay niyo na lang, 

It's complicated.

===============

Apo: Lola ingat po kayo diyan nangangagat po mga aso diyan. . .

Lola: Alam ko yan apo, sa tanda kong ito wala pa akong nasalubong na asong nanununtok

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A woman brings a sick baby to the doctor..

Doctor: Is he bottle fed?

Woman: Breastfeed.

Doctor: (Squeezes the woman's breast repeatedly) That's why he's sick, you don't have milk.

Woman: Pucha naman doc! Yaya ako! Yaya! Pisil ka ng pisil eh! Magtanong ka naman muna!

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Nanay : Anak, bumili ka nga ng asin sa kanto.

Anak : Yoko nga! Ang dilim kaya. Nakakatakot na lumabas.

Nanay : Wag ka mag-alala, kasama mo naman angel mo e.

Anak : Eh di siya na lang utusan mo! WALANJO, dalawa pa kame? Parang asin lang bibilhin?

Nanay : Aba! Bastos kang bata ka ah?

Anak : Ang bastos nakahubad!

Nanay : *hinimatay*.

Anak : Yan ang bastos! Kinakausap mo, tutulugan ka. Umayos ka nay ah!!

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ANAK: tay ako pinakamabilis magbilang ng 1-10 sa school

TATAY: ganon ba..ok. wag ka mayabang anak

sunod na araw
...

ANAK: tay pinakamagaling ako magsulat ng ABC sa school

TATAY: ok.ahh.. wag ka magyabang

sunod na raw

ANAK: tay ako ang may pinakamalaking ano.. sa mga kaklase ko

TATAY: tigilan mo nga kayabangan mo. Syempre naman..... trenta anyos ka na eh.

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Sa bus. Nagpapa-dede ang isang misis sa kanyang anak pero ayaw dumede ang bata.

MISIS: (galit) Kung ayaw mong dumede, ibibigay ko 'to sa lalakeng katabi ko!

After 20 minutes, ayaw pa din dumede ang bata.

MISIS: (mas lalong nagalit) Ayaw mong dumede, huh? Ibibigay ko na talaga 'to dito sa lalakeng katabi ko!

LALAKE: Misis, kailangan mo nang magdesisyon. Kanina pa ako dapat bumaba, eh!

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A Japanese throw his phone to the sea....

PINOY: sus, sayang...
JAPANESE: We had a lot of cellphones in Japan..

A lady from U.S.A also throw her Laptop to the sea..

PINOY: naku ! sayang !
A LADY FROM U.S.A SAID: There's a lot of laptop in U.S.A

Pinoy kept silent coz he got nothing..Then a beautiful lady came to join him...Pinoy pushed the girl to the sea...Everybody shocks!

Oh my God ! Why did you push her ??

PINOY: It's ok...There's a lot of Beautiful Ladies in the PHILIPPINES!!sino ngayon ang mas mayabang..hehehe

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

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Pasyenteng lalake : doc ano po gagawin ko para hindi na mag buntis ang asawa ko.

Doc: tanggalin natin yung isang itlog sa baba.

Pasyenteng lalake : doc wala padin bisa nag buntis padin eh.

Doc : tanggalin ulit isa.

Pasyenteng lalake: doc nanganak nanaman po si misis!!!

Doc : ganun ba? Tawagn mo kapitbahay niyo at siya ang tatanggaln ko ng itlog!!! :))

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  • 3 weeks later...

Mister: Doc ano po ba ang pinaka murang contraceptive. Nagtitipid kami ni misis kaya ayaw pa muna namin magkaanak.

Doktor: Ah eh di Rhythm Method ... (ipinaliwanag sa lalaki kung ano gagawin)

Mister: Naku doc mahina ako sa math eh ... wala na bang iba?

Doktor: Mag condom ka na lang (ipinaliwanag sa lalaki kung paano gamitin)

Mister: Sige doc thank you!

 

Matapos ang isang linggo...

 

Mister: Doc bumalik po ako ... galing ako dito nung nakaraang linggo.

Doktor: Ah oo natatandaan kita ... yung tungkol sa condom.

Mister: Opo doc ako nga po yun.

Doktor: Kamusta naman? Epektibo ba?

Mister: OK naman po.

Doktor: Eh bakit ka pa bumalik?

Mister: Itatanong ko lang po sana kung ... pwede nang tanggalin?

nyahaha :D

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