Best Jokes Ever

[kamaro]

Post your best jokes. Pang-alis ng stress po para sa mga ka APS people....  

and don't forget to click like po... para mas gaganahan yung nag share ng jokes.
sana mapaganda ko yung mood nyo sa pagbasa ng thread na ito..

[kamaro]

Isang gabi naglalakad ako sa isang madilim na iskinita nang biglang may narinig ako na nagsasalita na tila sumusumpa...


ODAY ASWER ANAT NUWING ENGITEN, ANYAS WANALI IMA MID, NOFI LAK PINGINAP MAP PUN, OLIB A MITIDS AT ATUN, ODAY ASWER ANAT NUWING ENGITIN, HOHOHOHO

halos mabaliw ako...

lalo na nng makita ko sa sulok ang NGONGO na kumakanta ng LAZY SONG...
hahahhah

 

 

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mga lasing nag aaway

Lasing#1: pare! bibilhinn ko ung MOA at LRT bukas!

Lasing#2: ayala malls at MRT bibilhin ko eh.

Lasing#3: weak! PLDT, MERALCO, BDO, LANDMARK bibilhin ko bukas! ...---
...
Lasing#4: kakapal ng mga muka niyo! sino may sabing binebenta ko ung mga yun?

 

 

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Nanay: anak hindi ka ba nahihiya?! linis ako ng linis dito tapos ikaw laro ng laro dyan.

Anak: Nay, diba mas nakakahiya kung ako ang naglilinis jan tapos ikaw ang naglalaro dto.

 

 

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my mg syota d nagkta ng 2 months..den 1 day ngkta cla ulit..

unang tanong ng girl..

MAHAL MO PA BA AKO
d nka sagot ang guy, pero ang gnwa nya..
kinuha ng guy ung kmay ng grl sabay itinapat sa knyng dib2x..
at un napaiyak ang girl kc......

My BOOBS na ang gaga!

Edited February 10, 2016 by kamaro

[kamaro]

Pinoy Henyo
"Kutsilyo"

Juan: bagay ba toh?

Pedro: oo!

Juan: Gamit sa kusina?

Pedro: Oo!

Juan: Matalim ba?

Pedro: Oo! Oo!

Juan: Pinanghihiwa ng sibuyas, kamitis, ganuna?

Pedro: Oo! Oo! Oo! Oo!









Juan: Pass!!!




Tawa tawa tawa 

[kamaro]

Sa bus. Nagpapa-dede ang isang misis sa kanyang anak pero ayaw dumede ang bata.
MISIS: (galit) Kung ayaw mong dumede, ibibigay ko 'to sa lalakeng katabi ko!
After 20 minutes, ayaw pa din dumede ang bata.
MISIS: (mas lalong nagalit) Ayaw mong dumede, huh? Ibibigay ko na talaga 'to dito sa lalakeng katabi ko!
LALAKE: Misis, kailangan mo nang magdesisyon. Kanina pa ako dapat bumaba, eh.

[kamaro]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal, pays and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

Same thing happens, the blind man ordered the food, eats, pays and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[kamaro]

TEACHER : class what are ur dreams ?

LEON : i want to be a doctor !
GRACE : i want to be an accountant !
FRANKLIN : i want to be a lawyer !

NENE : i want to have many children!

TEACHER : JUAN how about you ?

JUAN : i..ii..iii.... i want to help NENE in her dreams !!

HAHAHA! 

[This_Is_The_End]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[This_Is_The_End]

So I went to the doctor to get a physical, and he tells me, "you need to stop masturbating."

I asked "why, Doc?"

"Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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A new captain was sent to join his squadron stationed at a desert town in the middle of nowhere. Soon as he gets there he notices a lack of women, and asks one of the men what they do for recreation. The man says, "Well, if you go down to the village outside the camp, you'll find an old guy called Hamed, with camel tied to the tree. Whenever a guy gets an urge, we go to Hamed and pay to use the camel."

The captain thinks this is disgusting, but it's a long posting, with months until his first leave, so he tucks away this knowledge but vows not to use it if he can. Eventually, stress gets the better of him and after a few weeks he heads down to find the old man, haggles over the price and sets about fucking this camel.

Anyway, he's at it a whole while it turns out he's a lot more stressed than he thought, when someone taps him on the shoulder, and it's one of his men with old Hamed who says, "sorry to interrupt you captain, but Hamed wants to know if you'll be much longer. Some of the boys want to hire the camel to ride down to the next town where all the women are."

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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A man is walking down along the beach when he notices a woman with no arms or legs in her wheelchair by the shore crying. He asks, "Why are you crying?" she replies, "I've never been hugged before." So the man gives her a hug.

Upon noticing her still crying he then asks, "Why are you still crying?" she says "I have never been kissed before." And so the the man gives her a kiss.

Still crying, he then asks "What is wrong now?" She then tells him, "I have never been fucked before." So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and yells, "Now you're fucked!"

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There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes. now come on, we'll go to the Zoo"

At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes. Thats it we're going home"

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "What? How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

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Why can't redneck girls never ride reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on your family

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Farmer walks into the bedroom with a lamb under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking when you have a headache ." The wife says, "That's a lamb you moron!" The farmer replies, "I was talking to the lamb!"

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Dude goes to his doctor and says 'Doc, my arsehole is the size of a dustbin lid'

Doc says 'Fuck, I better have a look'

So ol' mate down with the pants, bends over and sure enough, arsehole the size of a dustbin lid.

Doc says 'Fuck, thats bad. How did that happen?'

Bloke says 'I was on safari in Africa and an elephant raped me'.

Doc says 'Fuck, thats bad. But I thought elephants had really long cocks, but not all that thick?'

Bloke says 'Yeah, but the bastard fingered me first'.

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A boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog tied to a string.

He says to the hostess, "I want the cheapest, dirtiest whore you've got."

The lady says, "alright kid, room number 10."

He throws the lady a tip and goes to the room. He has his way with the whore for a while and leaves feeling accomplished.

The hostess stops the boy and says "Hey kid, I gotta ask. What made you want the dirtiest whore we have?"

The boy says, "Well, later, mom and dad will still be at work and I'll go to my babysitter. The baby sitter will touch me and hopefully catch what ever disease I just got from that whore. Then, dad will come and pick me up, but before we leave, he'll sleep with the baby sitter and get the disease. Then when we go home, mommy will come home from work and sleep with daddy, giving her the disease. Then tomorrow morning when daddy leaves for work, the mail man will come and sleep with my mom, and then he will get the disease."

"AND THAT'S THE CUNT WHO RAN OVER MY FROG"

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After meeting, Tarzan takes Jane back to his tree house. Laying on the floor as she admires his muscular torso, while subtlety opening her legs, she says to Tarzan, "So big boy, what do you do when you have a desire to fuck".

Tarzan looks at her and says, "Tarzan find tree with hole then Tarzan fuck tree".

Jane opens her legs wider and says "Why don't you fuck me like you fuck the trees"

As Tarzan removes his loin cloth and as Jane gets excited seeing his huge cock, suddenly, without warning he kicks Jane right in the cunt. Wincing on the floor she finally catches her breath and shouts at him "What the fuck did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrels first."

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A man decides to get a drink at a bar he's never been to after work. He sits at the stool, and orders a drink. Seated two barstools down from him, is a horse drinking by himself.

"Holy shit," the man says. "Did you know there's a horse in your bar?!"

"Yep. Every night he walks in, orders three drinks, and leaves. Never talks, laughs- hell he doesn't even smile."

After a long pause, the man bets the bartender $100 that he could get the horse to laugh hysterically. The bartender wholeheartedly agrees. The man walks over to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse just laughs his ass off. He fell over on the ground for a good few minutes even, barely breathing. Then he pays for his drinks and leaves chuckling to himself. The bartender sat there in disbelief, and paid the man his earnings.

A few days later, the man went back to the same bar - sure enough the horse is there as staunch as ever.

"I don't know what you did last time, but he is back to his old self. Want to make another bet?" asked the bartender. The man nods. "Double or nothing you can get this horse to cry. There's no way - you just got lucky the last time." They shake hands.

The man walks over to the horse, whispers in his ear again, then they both walk into the bathroom. Not even a minute later the horse comes out bawling his eyes out, and runs out of the bar without even paying.

"Son of a bitch, a deal's a deal. But you have to tell me what you said to him."

"Well the other day I told the horse that I bet my dicks' bigger than his. Today I showed him."

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So I was talking to this 14 year old girl one day online, talking about coming to meet up with her for sex. She eventually tells me she's a cop! How cool is that for someone her age?

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My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day.

Pretty big word for a 12 year old.

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A traveller in the mountains of China has been hiking for days and is looking for rest. He spots a lavish palace set atop one of the mountains and decides to go to it.

Upon arriving he is humbly greeted by an old gentleman that says the palace is his. He welcomes the traveller to stay as long as he needs and immediately sets a large banquet. At the meal the traveller notices a young veluptious woman that keeps staring at him while he eats. She is the most beautiful asian woman he has ever seen and she was very obviously into him.

After dinner the old man shows the traveller to his room while explaining that the young woman was his only daughter and is to be married off to another noble family. The old man then stresses that his daughter must remain a virgin in order to be wed properly and strictly forbid the traveller from seeing her. "If anyone were to take her purity I'd have to exercise the 3 Ancient Chinese Tortures on them." said the old man with a chuckle. The traveller nervously laughed it off and the old man bid him good night.

A few hours later he hears a soft rapping on his door. He opens the door and it's the daughter in a very revealing night gown. She tells the traveller that she has been waiting years for a man to come to satisfy her craving to couple and begs him to fuck her. At first he remembers what the old man said about the 3 Ancient Chinese Tortures, but he eventually can't resist her yearnings. He makes wonderful passionate love to her for half the night and then she sneaks back to her room satisfied. The traveller falls asleep a very happy man.

Upon waking up the traveller felt a great weight on his chest. He looks down to see a heavy flat rock on his chest with a note on it. It reads "First Ancient Chinese Torture: Heavy Rock On Chest"

The traveller scoffs at this and then gets out of the bed with the rock in his hands. 'This is all? What a joke! How'd he even know?' thinks the traveller. He walks over to a nearby window and tosses the rock out. As he throws it the rock flips and he notices a note on the other side that reads "Second Ancient Chinese Torture: Left Testicle Tied To Rock"

The traveller suddenly realizes his predicament and panics. He quickly decides to jump out the window. As he was falling he turned back to look at the window and noticed a sign posted above it that read "Third Ancient Chinese Torture: Right Testicle Tied To Bedpost"

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I said to my wife "Lets go fishing"

She said "Nah, I don't wanna go fishing"

So I said to her "Theres 2 ways out of it - oral or anal"

"Well I'm not doing anal"

So she went down on me . But soon after says "Jesus Christ , your dick tastes like shit!"

"Yeah, the dog didn't want to go either"

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Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting. Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the house Don's girlfriend says, "Look, my family has this weird tradition where no one speaks during dinner. The first person to talk has to wash the dishes." As they all sit down for dinner Don sees an opportunity to test this 'tradition' so he starts making out with Susan at the table in front of her parents. No one says a word. Don then rips Susan's shirt off and starts playing with her tits. Silence. Don then begins to have sex with Susan. Still nobody says a word. Stunned by this, Don clears off half the table and begins plowing Susan's mom right there in front of her husband, Gary. Gary keeps eating. Suddenly there is a clap of thunder outside and Don remembers his motorcycle. He quickly pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his jacket pocket. Upon seeing the Vaseline in Don's hand, Gary stands up and yells, "God damnit! I'll do the fucking dishes!!!"

 

 

[This_Is_The_End]

How do you make an idiot easily wait ?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

[iggyb]

A nun got into a taxi but noticed that the cab driver wouldn't stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I'm afraid to in case I offend you."

She answered, "My dear son, you can't offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have just about heard and seen everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responded, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Firstly, are you Catholic and single?"

The cab driver started to get very excited and said, "Yes, I'm single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun replied, "OK, pull into the next lay-by." He did this and the nun obliged him by giving him a blowjob. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started to get very emotional and upset.

"My dear child, why are you crying?" inquired the nun. "Please forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." "That's OK," said the nun, "my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Costume Party."

[Helfayv]

Me: when i was born i was given 2 options, have a bad memory and a big penis, or have a good memory and a small penis

My friend: Whitch did you chose?

Me: I dont know, i cant remember

[This_Is_The_End]

My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house. I looked her dead in the eye and said, "the motherfucking Decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

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A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."  

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

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A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing."See that?" St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.

"Yup" says God, "I'll fix him, the little truant!"

WIth that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.

The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it's caught by a seagull, which flies a few hundred yards with it before dropping it onto the #1 green, about a yard from the hole. At this point a large toad emerges from the hole, dances a passable impression of Michael Flatley's Riverdance finale (for a toad), then grabs the ball and disappears back down the hole.

St Peter: " I thought you were going to punish him?"

God: " I just did, who's ever going to believe him?"

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The child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

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Patient: Doctor! You have to help me. Everyday at 8 am sharp, I poop!

Doctor: So what's the problem?

Patient: I wake up at 9!

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Today after school my teacher asked me to stay after for a little while, one thing led to another and we had sex but as we were finishing the principal interrupted and called my mother. My mother had to pick me up from school and all she said was "just wait until your father gets home." Once my father got home he came into my room and said "son, was your teacher at least good looking?" Which I replied "yes" and to my surprise my father said "you know what son I'm proud of you and because of that I'm going to buy you that new bike you wanted!" My dad went out and got the bike and when he got back we both just kind of looked at the bike when he asked "well aren't you going to ride it?" and I replied "No my butt still kinda hurts"

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One day a young boy asks his grandfather, "grandpa what does a vagina look like?"

"Before or after sex?" The grandfather replied. "Um before" said the boy. "Like a rose in an early spring morning." "What about after sex?" The grandfather paused for a second and thought. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

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Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

Abu Bakr was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

He looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the shop with his camel and the vendor asks him, “What can I do for you?”

“Well, friend,” Abu replies, “I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”

The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”

“OK Let’s do it.”

The vendor motions Abu to come with him out the back door of the shop with his camel. The vendor says, “Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”

While Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another door behind the shop and returns with two large bricks.

“Stand back,” he cautions Abu Bakr.

The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s balls. The camel runs out of the alley like a bat out of hell.

“Wow!,” says Abu Bakr, “That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”

The vendor says with a smile, “Please step onto the platform, sir.”

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There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. He threw it out the window. The second guy bit into a lemon, thought it was too sour, threw it out the window. The third guy bit into a grenade, thought it was too crunchy and threw it out the window. When the plane landed, they got off and saw a lil girl crying. they ask, "lil girl, why are u crying?" She says, " An apple fell out of the sky and hit my cow on the head and now he's dead." Then the men see a lil boy crying. The men ask, "lil boy, why are u crying?" The lil boy says," A lemon fell out of the sky and hit my dog on the head and now she's dead" The men keep walking until they find a blond woman laughing histarically. They ask," woman, why are u laughing so histarically?" She says,"I just farted and that building blew up"

 

[This_Is_The_End]

A guy gets off work, and he's had a fairly bad day, so he decides to go for a few drinks. Anyway, he heads to this bar that's in a penthouse of a fairly nice apartment tower. So he heads in, has a few drinks when a guy comes up to him. The man says "You're not gonna believe this but the wind is just right today. You can jump out the window, and right before you hit the ground the wind current will bring you right back in!". Well clearly the guy doesn't believe him so he says bullshit. That's impossible. You do it then". So the second man say "fuck it." He jumps out the window, and right before he's about to hit the ground, sure enough, he flies back up and into the bar. The first man is amazed, and the second man says "see, I wouldn't lie to you. Try it!". The first man is still a little on edge so he says to the second man "once more and I'll try it". So just like before, he jumps out, gets close to the ground, and is flown back up into the bar. Well the first man is quite impressed. He says "alright l believe you, it's my turn now". So the first man stands at the window, jumps from the ledge, and he gets close to the bottom and splat. The bartender looks to the second man and says "You're a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[This_Is_The_End]

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:

• Nachos $4
• Hamburger $3
• Hotdog $2
• Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
• Grilled Cheese $2
• Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
• Handjob $10

After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."

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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her. He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics" Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not. After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again. "Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan. During his first night in his small hotel room he decides to treat himself to the beautiful Japanese prostitutes he hears so much about from his colleagues when they go to Japan. He goes out and finds one and brings her back up to his room.

All throughout their sexual endeavors, the prostitute continuously yells this phrase in Japanese to which the man assumes is "Yes, yes, yes!" Afterwards he pays the woman and lets her be on her way.

The following morning he goes golfing with his other colleagues before their business meeting later that afternoon. On their first hole, after he successfully putts the ball in, he decides he wants to show off how cultured he is to his friends by shouting "Yes!" in Japanese.

Afterwards, his colleagues look at each other very confused and look back at him and ask "What do you mean wrong hole?"

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The was once a man with a 15 inch penis. The man, however, isn't happy with it, because his wife says it hurts. Distraught, he goes on a walk, where he meets a leprechaun. The leprechaun, feeling generous and knowing of his problem (because leprechauns are all-knowing) agrees to shrinking his penis by 3 inches if he can get the hottest girl in town to tell him no. The man agrees, walks up to the girl and tells her, "Hey, baby... Wanna fuck?" The woman, disgusted, replies, "What? No!"

The man goes home with a 12 inch penis, but he's still not satisfied. Wanting 3 inches less, he goes over to the girl and once again asks, "Come on... You don't wanna fuck?". "I said no!"

As so, the man now has a 9 inch penis, which he finds still too long. Thinking a 6 inch penis would be enough, he walks over to the girl one last time. "This is the last time I'm asking... You wanna fuck?"

"For the last time, creep! No, no, and no!"

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A few old couples used to get together to talk about life. They had a good time. One day, one of the men, Harry, started talking about a fantastic restaurant. He went to this restaurant the other night with his wife. “Really?” one of the men said, “What’s it called?” Harry thinks for a few seconds and says, “What are those good-smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean roses?” the first man asked. “Yes that’s it!” and he looked at his wife and shouted, “Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.  

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."  

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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A sailor and a priest go golfing. The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.

"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.

The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again.

"My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game.

The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!" The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before.

Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks... "FUCK! I MISSED!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarrassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

 

[This_Is_The_End]

A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together.

The zoophiliac says, “I want to have sex with a cat.”

The sadist says, “I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.”

The pyromaniac says, “I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.”

The necrophiliac says, “Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.”

The masochist says, “Meow.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

I used to be a sadist, a necrophile, and a zoophile. Gave it all up when I realized I was beating a dead horse.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man was told by his doc that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:

"You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in."

The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.

"Now you're fucked," says the mysterious voice.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man goes for a walk along the beach after a bad divorce with his wife. During his walk he finds an old lamp in the sand. Upon further examining it, a genie comes out and tells him he will grant three wishes, but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double.

The man quickly uses his first wish for a brand new Ferrari, but his ex-wife got two new Ferraris as well.

The man, just as quickly, uses his second wish for one million dollars, but his ex-wife got two million dollars.

The man now takes his time for his third wish, the genie can tell he is really thinking about it. The man finally decides on his third wish and says "Beat me half to death."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to make a scene so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.

A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change.

The client threw 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.

That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.

The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"

The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one.

When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die"

The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees.

"I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around"

The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead

The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"

-----------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928. The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting. The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"

Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this isn't a 1928 Mouton?"

The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!" The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are exactly the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village."

Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender notices this guy and can't help but admire his incredible physique and incredible chiseled body. The guy sits down and orders a drink, now up and close the barkeep realizes how proportionally weird his head is compared to the rest of his body. "Can I ask you something" the bartender says. "Why is your head so small compared to your amazing body" "well" says the man "a couple of months ago, I was walking through a forest. Skinny as a skeleton. No meat on me at all. I found a lamp and rubbed it and what would you know?! A beautiful genie pops up who says I get 3 wishes" the whole bar now listening amazed "I firstly asked for a body of a god nothing short of Arnold Schwarzenegger, BOOM I ripped out of my clothes with huge muscles looking like Hercules. Secondly...I look at this beautiful genie..I want to make love to you I said. BOOM me and this beautiful genie are making passionate steamy love on the grass. Puffing and panting we lie there" "WELL?!" Says the keep "what happened next?" The man looks down at his drink before managing to say: "well...well I took another look at her, naked and gorgeous, I couldn't help myself. I asked for a little head"

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach full orgasm.

If you can't come then let me know.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"

The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

The blonde cop keeps on driving and sees a person out in the middle of a cornfield paddling a canoe. The cop pulls over and realizes its another blonde.

Cop: What are you doing out there?

Blonde: What's it look like? I'm canoeing.

Cop: It's blondes like you that make us look bad and if I knew how to swim, I'd kick your ass.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Guy walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender fetches it for him and says "that'll be 10 cents"

The guy can't believe it. "10 cents? Is there some happy hour on or something?" "No"

The guy sits there in disbelief. Just then a couple comes over from the corner and go to settle their tab.

"Okay so you both had burgers and fries, chicken wing entree, four beers and two glasses of wine... that'll be 40 cents"

The couple pay, thank the bartender and leave. But the guy can't fathom what he just heard. 40 cents?! He then waves at the bartender and asks

"Okay then, how much for that bottle of Cristal Champagne?" "25 cents" "25 cents?!? That can't be right... Where's your manager?" "Oh. He's out with my wife" "What?! What the hell is he doing with your wife?" "Same thing I'm doing to his business"

-----------------------------------------------------------

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said "I am Russel Westbrook, the best NBA basketball player. The OKC Thunder and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

-----------------------------------------------------------

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

So, there was a kid on a farm.

Who wanted more in life. His family has always been taking care of farm animals, but he wanted something more in life. So, he left the farm and went to the big city to study.

He still loved animals, so he was hoping to become a vet one day. Day in and day out he studied and studied as hard as he could, he got into a good vet school and studied even harder.

Finally, he reached the final exams, if he passed this exam, he would become a vet. He completed all the questions, except one:

"How do you perform an abortion on a cow?"

He kept thinking about that question for nearly 2 hours, but he couldn't awnser it, and was forced to give a blank paper.

He did not pass the test because of this one question.

The boy was disheartened and left the city to go back to the farm. His father was happy to see him approaching, but something was wrong.

The boy was looking terrible, he was sad, he was slouching and was looking disheartened.

"What's wrong my boy? Why are you looking like that?" The father said.

The boy looked up and asked:

"Dad, do you know how to perform a cow abortion?"

The father replied:

"Holy shit, what have you gotten yourself into?"

[iggyb]

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

[This_Is_The_End]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

    The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

    Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

    Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

    Dogs' parents never visit.

    Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

    You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

    Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

    Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

    Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

    If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

    When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

    Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

    If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

    And last, but not least:

    If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff....

-----------------------------------------------------------

A very poor man decided his last resort was to write a letter to God. His family was going hungry. He was behind on all of his bills. He became unemployed, and started to grow ill. He wrote "Dear heavenly father. I've no other resources. No other place to turn. I don't ask for much. I really just need $1500 to catch up on my mortgage. Amen."

So the mailman came by and picked up his letter addressed to God. Got a kick out of it and decided to open it up with his coworkers. They felt bad for the poor man and decided to scrounge up some money to help the old guy out. They mustered up about $1000 bucks and dropped it in his mailbox in an envelope.

The next day the find another envelope addressed to God. They open it up and read "Thank you God so much! I knew we could count on you. Just an observation: Next time don't send it through the post office. Those darn bastards took $500."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...l think I'll wait for the police."

-----------------------------------------------------------

An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day. I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"  

-----------------------------------------------------------

Two brothers are off on a winter vacation in a cabin they rented out for the weekend. After some catching up, one of them goes down to the basement to get some drinks, at which point he notices a coffin in the corner.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a hand comes out of it, and drags the entire thing towards the brother.

Shouting, he runs upstairs and tells the brother what happened. Soon after, the coffin bursts through the door. Screaming, they ran to the kitchen and started throwing anything they could find at it. Pots, pans, plates, and even the trash can. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Terrified, they went to the living room and started throwing everything at it. Books, cups, and even coasters. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Out of energy and hope, they barred themselves in the bathroom. The door smashed open and they cried out for help. They threw toilet paper and bottles of shampoo. But the coffin just wouldn't stop. Out of desperation, one of them threw a bottle of cough medicine. The coffin stopped.

[This_Is_The_End]

ANAK: Mommy, ano po yun sex?
MOMMY: Ah, eh, number yun anak!
ANAK: Tama! Kasi sabi ni Daddy kay Inday,
"Sex tayo!" tapos sumagot si yaya, "69, ulit koya?!"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Sa Botika...
CUSTOMER: (pabulong) Miss, isang condom nga...
SALESLADY: Sayz , Sir?
CUSTOMER: (nahiya) Small lang...hehehe...
SALESLADY: Hindi, Sir, sayz pisos ang isa!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Sa Wake...
HUSBAND TO WIFE: Honey ayoko rito. Ayoko dito alam mo naman takot ako sa patay.
WIFE TO HUSBAND: Honey, anong takot? Everytime na jumijingle ka hawak mo patay!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Mag kumpare nag uusap...
PEDRO: Kapag natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, mag kumpare pa rin tayo?
JUAN: Hmmm...Hindi.
PEDRO: Mag kaaway na?
JUAN: Hindi din.
PEDRO: Eh, ano na?
JUAN: Quits na tayo!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Misis binato ng ipad si Mister...
MISTER: Oh bakit mo naman ako binato? Ayan nasira tuloy!
MISIS:  Bwuset, eh! Mabuti pa yang iPad mo.. Panay ang dut dot mo...
Samantalang ako kahit kalabit lang..WALA!
-----------------------------------------------------------

ANAK:Itay, ano po ba ang climate change?
ITAY: Ha? Nay, ano ba daw ang climate change?
NANAY: Ang panlalamig mo sa akin dahil sa may pinag-iinitan kang iba!
Iyan ang climate change!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Instik sumakay ng taxi...
INSTIK: Dlaybel, alam mo to adles?
DRIVER: Ano po address?
INSTIK: Laki itlog patay titi.
DRIVER: Pabasa nga. Ahhh... Rocky 8th Road, Pasay City!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Prof: Ayoko ng maingay! Ang maingay ay babanatan ko ng Pick up line.
Nag-ingay si Neneng….
Prof: Oy neneng, Tamod ka ba?
Neneng: Bakit po?
Prof: PALALABASIN KITA!
-----------------------------------------------------------

BF: Blow Job mo ako Hon..
GF: Di ako marunong Hon..
BF: Madali lang, para ka lang nag sisigarilyo. Hithitin mo.
GF: Ganun!? Palalabasin ko din ba sa ilong?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Boy: Chicharon ka ba?
Girl: Bakit?
Boy: Ang ingay mo kasi pag kinakain kita =D
-----------------------------------------------------------

Son sees his Mom licking his father’s balls
Son : Ano gawa mo mommy?
MOM : Kain lang mommy ng bola bola
Son: Takaw naman ni mommy. may bola bola na may lumpia pa!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Boy: BLACKBERRY kaba??
Girl: Bakit?
Boy: Kasi, ang ganda ng CURVE mo, lalo na siguro kung bold ka…
-----------------------------------------------------------

Madre: ano apelyido mo iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na po yun sister! lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan..
Madre: Susme! Bayag apelyido mo?
Sakristan: Sister naman… ROSARIO po
-----------------------------------------------------------

After having sex, panay pa rin hawak ng girl sa organ ng lalaki..
BOY: Gusto mo pa ulit ?
GIRL: Hinde… Namimiss ko lang.. Meron kasi ako nito dati ehh…
-----------------------------------------------------------

Boy: Sana BOLA ka na lang…
Girl: Bakit???
Boy: Ang sarap mo pag-agawan tapos tirahin…
-----------------------------------------------------------

Miss baril ka ba ?
Patira naman. Kahit isang putok lang
-----------------------------------------------------------

Boy: Miss magic lamp ka ba?
Girl: Bakit?
Boy: Sige nga, pahimas
-----------------------------------------------------------

Boy: Miss steady ka ba?
Girl: Bakit?
Boy: Gusto kita galawin
-----------------------------------------------------------

DALAWANG LASING ANG SABAY UMIHI.
Lasing 1 : Pare, sobra ang tigas ng titi ko, uuwi na ako at yayariin ko muna
si Misis.
Lasing 2 : Sasama ako sa iyo.
Lasing 1 : Baket?
Lasing 2 : E, sa akin ang yang hawak mong titi eh!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Boy: Miss lamesa ka ba?
Girl: Hinde. Bakit?
Boy: Gusto kasi kitang patungan
-----------------------------------------------------------

Boy: Sana naging palay ka nalang.
Girl: Bakit?
Boy: Para pwede kitang bayuhin
-----------------------------------------------------------

Sana naging manok ka na lang,
Para lagi mong inuupuan itlog ko.
-----------------------------------------------------------

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
-----------------------------------------------------------

What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
-----------------------------------------------------------

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
-----------------------------------------------------------

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
-----------------------------------------------------------

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Handjob
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Flaslight
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

 

[alreane4]

Bulol na anak
(Nag away ang nanay at tatay ng isang batang bulol)
Nanay: anak sabihin mo sa tatay mo na patawarin na nya ako.
Anak: tige po nay
(Pumunta ang bata sa tatay)
Anak: tay patuwarin nyo na taw ti nanay
Tatay: sabihin mo sa nanay mo wala ako sa mood para patawarin sya.
(Pumunta ang bata sa nanay nya)
Anak: nay wala taw ti tatay ta mood para patuwarin ka pagtitihan mo taw mo na..
Nanay: iyon laang..hehehe 

[kamaro]

Apo: look at those boats lolo!

Lolo: amazing diba, Iho? they are called yachts.

Apo: yachts? How do you spell it lolo?

ahm,,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lolo: you are right, Iho, they are boats.. 

[kamaro]

Sa room ng mag-asawa, may pumasok na killer.

Killer: Gusto kong malaman ang pangalan ng victim ko bago ko siya patayin. Anong pangalan mo?

Wife: Inday po.

Killer: Inday din ang pangalan ng nanay ko. Sige, di na kita papatayin..Ikaw anong name mo?

Mister: My name is Gary…




…but my friends call me Inday!

hahahahahahaha 

[kamaro]

nanay: pedro! bumili ako ng isda. hala cge, bangon na dyan at lotoin mo yung isda!
pedro: hu! pagud ako nay! WTF?!
nanay: ha? ano yun pedro? anu?!! anong WTF ha?!!

pedro: ay ii... iii.. WTF gud! Where's The Fish?!

[kamaro]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

[kamaro]

MISIS : Hon, delayed ako sa regla ng one month. Pero wag mong ipagsabi sa iba kasi nakakahiya.
Kinabukasan may dumating na taga-MERALCO sa bahay nila.
MERALCO : Ma'am, delayed po kayo...one month.
MISIS : Ha!? Pa'no mo nalaman?
MERALCO : Nasa record po namin.
MISTER : Aba! Bakit naka-record dyan na delayed ang MISIS ko? MERALCO : Kung gusto nyong mawala ang record, magbayad kayo. MISTER : Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
MERALCO : Eh di puputulan ho namin kayo.
MISTER : Tarantado ka pala eh! Ano'ng gagamitin ng MISIS ko!? MERALCO : Pwede naman ho siyang gumamit ng kandila.

[kamaro]

Isang bank manager ang nagugulat sa isang lola na nagde-deposit lagi ng malaking pera kada linggo meron na itong 30 milyon sa bangko at kada linggo ay nadadagdagan pa ito.
Nakatuwaan niyang tanungin ang matanda..
Bank Manager: Lola, bakit po ba ang laki ng nade-deposit nyo? Ano po ba ang pinagkikitaan nyo?
Lola: Ah mga napanalo ko iyon sa pustahan.
Bank Manager: Paanong pustahan?
Lola: Ok sige pustahan tayo bukas, 'yung hugis ng itlog mo ay square sa halagang P50k. Magsasama ako ng kaibigan ko para makita!
Bank Manager: Ahahaha! O sige, deal po, pero hindi talaga square itong itlog ko.
Lola: Makikita natin bukas!
Kinabukasan, bumalik ang lola na may kasamang kaibigan.
Hinubad na nga ng bank manager ang pantalon at pinakita ang kanyang itlog Hindi nga ito square kaya binigyan ng matanda ng P50K ang bank manager.
Bank Manager: Lola eh paano ka nagkakapera doon eh talo ka naman?
Bumulong ang matanda sa bank manager at sinabi...
Lola: May pustahan din kami ng kasama ko sa halagang P500K na ipapakita mo ang itlog mo sa harapan namin.